hello fantastic fans,.........
so i'm just heading south on the motorway number 6 - just through that bendy bit that makes you think you're in canada !!! you know the bit i mean ,... it's got a big bend in the motorway and like --- the nearest thing to a mountain (anywhere between timperley and london ) on one side,,............. and it's covered in big christmas trees...... (you know the bit i mean now !)
any way i'm on my way to wimbledon art gallery to do my poerty and music night (see23rd march ) with guy lovelady (yes ... that's his real name) driving me in his automobile ( or car as us english say ) when i get a phone call from my best mate paul molly.
paul molly has been my best mate since school, we used to play subbuteo and monopoly together ( and i mean 'together' - both games at the same time ! - and,... we still do !,... try it ! - we even do it with two monopoly boards in a figure '8' - you just overlap the "go's").
so - paul now works for a travel company ,... and he'd said to me ....
"if you have any problems sorting out your trip to america give me a call"
well i had had problems ...big time ! ( ie - " mum , can i have a thousand pounds to go to america for a day ??? " is just the tip of the iceberg !!!).
but this was the call i'd been wai ting for and just like a best mate ...he came through
"hiya frank ,.. where are you ?" --- "i'm on that bit of the motorway that look's like your in canada " . "which bit's that ?" .. so i explain to him - there's a few seconds silience ... then he bursts out laughing as sais " ... oh yes ,... it does !!! .... any way i've booked and paid for your plane ticket, you leave for new york, from manchester airport on 3rd april at 9.25 am !"
read on to find out what the imigration officer had to say about that ???????????????
***===
"so who actually paid for your ticket then ???" said the imigration officer,.. looking at me ... along with the other 7 officers (who had now let about 10,000 people of all nationalities into the u.s.a. without so much as a glance at their passports ).....and with total susspission - at me - a simple daytripper from timperley, who has arrived in the usa,... ,to meet some people he claims to have known for 20 years but doesn't know either of their last names ,
doesn't know their present address because he claims " the've just moved out off brooklyn because the floor in their old flat was caving in through the weight of 'teenage muntant ninga/ hero turle' toys amoungst other things.,.. i've got no work permit,... they want to know why i've arrived in america with a case that contains just
*** a electronic keyboard ( circa 1980's) *** a replica puppet made in my own image *** a father christmas outfit *** and eight small half frozen packages (about the size of one of those little square deluxe ring-pull cat food dinners you get at teaso's) all wrapped in foil.!!!!
" eerhhh,........ paul molly paid for my ticket !" .... "and who is this 'paul molly' to you, and why would he pay for you to come to america for a day to bring these packages ???" ..........." because he's my best mate !!!!!"
(dennis and lois later explained to me what relationship the word "mate" means in america - blimey !!! good job guy lovelady didn't pay for my ticket !!! - and he nearly did !!!)
"so why would this paul molly - your 'best' (?) mate ! - pay for you to bring these packages - to the u.s.a??" ....
at that exact point i glanced down at the totally in-aimate object i call 'little frank' and i'll swear it was him that sartted me off ... you know when you realise that things are suddenly - very very serious - and it wasn't so much that the penny had just dropped --- it was more like a elephant had just nudged the 'shove penny falls' on the golden mile in blackpool (or as the americans would say - 'shove dime or somthing - falls' in blackpool , near london-england but in los vagas or something like that !!) ... but it was very very serious,... and i'm sure i started to see his lip curl ... but i just started laughing ,... and i couldn't stop !!!,.... and everytime i tried to say something - i just started laughing more,.. and i'd still be laughing today if it hadn't 've been for one of the custom's officers starting to tear open one of the foil wrapped packages ....
"wwwhhhaaaaaaaaaarrrgh !" i screamed instantly throwing my hands up in the air, "don't open that !!!"
all 8 of us stood there frozen in time, some of them had instanly reflexed their hands inside the underarm of their jacket pockets, others stood back as if shielding their faces while one seemed to keep pressing somthing under the table - while the man with the half opened packet started to shake ................. there was silence for what seemed like about 4 seconds ... (but was only probably two and a half seconds)
"w-w-w-why n-n-not ???"...................
"i'll tell you why not ! ... because you'll exspose it ! ...right !... and if i run out of film ,...while i'm making my 'save coney island' movie,... then your in 'big trouble' when i come back in 24 hours to get my areoplane home !" ( i sounded just like my mum !) and i grabbed my films (which were quite clearly marked with very small little lettes on the side "kodak"; "fugi" and "agfa") and started to put them into my bag ..... at this point ....... the main officer simply handed me my passport and said ( and i'm sure i heard him correctly !!!) ........ " have a 'ace' day sir "
"we've way-ded twenny years for this 'side-bad-dum'" said lois thowing her arms around me and kissing me ( just like my auntie edie does at xmas) and have a 'ace' day we started too - allthough dennis recons the man said "nice" ... ( i don't think he knew the word 'nice' !!! - only joking imigration if you're reading this - i think you did a wonderful job, ... and i'd be suspisious if little frank was trying to get in my country !!!!)
so. that's enough for tday ,... and we're still not at the show ... we've only just got into america !!... but what you can do is check out 'ari vais' in mymyspace comments, as he left me one there last night ,....... he was the first act on at " maxwell's " in hobokum - new jersey, so you'll hear his music and it will help set the scene for the next installment.- but don't think you've heard the last about the imigration officers yet ,.... and i don't just mean when i get back to the airport ! ! ! ! oh no !!!.
best regards
frank sidebottom
p.s. the 'ace' day in new york starts in the next blog here on this site,......... but first on www.myspace.com/franksidebottom where there will be pictures which have just arrived in a e-mail but me and 'robottom' (my robot) are having great trouble getting turned into picture files but i did see one of ' after the show with my new new york fans ' so they are there. so check my mysapce later. and check www.myspace.com/arivais or www.arivais.com for the opening act ..... and to get me a knighthood .... send a vote to http://petitions.pm.gov.uk and then paul mccartney might come on my "proper telly show in b/w/" ........ which this week on channel m is showing the john power/warburton edition .... with andy crane in 3d .... so if you want a pair of free 3d glasses with a 3d picture card of me . send a s.a.e. to channel m (3d glasses) dept. urbis, manchester- england m4 3bg. "ya-oil have a 'ace ' day now !" or go on www/channelm.co.uk and watch past ones.
*** foot-note ***paul molly is featured in a photograph with bruce springsteen in one of the pages of "oink!" comic i did - beecause he is my best mate !... *** also, paul molly couldn't play any instrument - but i got him in the 'oh blimey big band' on mouth-organ as that's dead easy........ his debuet was at the "international one" in manchester in 1987 and he was absolutley bobbins ...... i've never let him played with me onstage ever again - - - what are best mates for !!!
*** 2nd footnote - this was the concert that a certain john shuttleworth came to see, and was most impressed, and asked if he could come round to my house the next day and find out all about how i did showbizness form ny shed, and what keyboard i use ,...etc ,..etc the rest isn't even history !!! see you tommorrow. thank you .